An Unexpected Blessing

I can't believe I am only a week away from having another baby.  In some ways it feels so unreal.  Most of the pregnancy I had to go through the motions just to get through it.  This  baby was, to say the least, quite the surprise.  When I found out I was pregnant I was scared to death of how I was going to get through it. Pregnancy and I do not mix.  With the other two I was so sick at first then there was always something to add to it like kidney stones that always made things interesting. Also with only being 9 months out from having brain surgery I was worried about how my body would handle it all. I was still trying to heal from the surgery and now my body was growing a baby.

However, with this pregnancy I have been so blessed. I was not nearly as sick this time around as I was with the previous two.  The hardest part was that I had to immediately stop taking all the medication I was on from brain surgery. The first month was really hard.  It was like I was going back to the first month of having surgery. I had a lot of headaches without the medicine, but as time went on the better I got and for the most part I am doing pretty well.  I have my bad days but I am learning how to deal with them.  I was also worried about when it came time for the delivery. I was told that I could push but not a lot of excessive pushing so I don't hurt anything in my head. It makes me nervous, but they are just going to let me labor and where it is my third baby my Dr. is hoping she will come out easily. Nevertheless, I am still a bit apprehensive.  Oh and I forgot to say it is girl. Cassidy and I are pretty excited, but Ben is still getting use to the idea of being out numbered in the house.  But we all know she will have him wrapped around her finger just like Cassidy does.

One Year!

What a difference a year makes. One year ago today, I went in for brain surgery to remove the tumor in my head. Without a doubt, this past year has been the most difficult time of my life. For 6 months after I was recovering from surgery, I only saw Ben on the weekends as I was in St. George and Ben was finishing up law school at BYU. Nonetheless, I had the unconditional support of my friends and family, both immediate and extended. Then once Ben was done with school, I still did not see him much as he spent all of his time studying for the Bar exam. This past year has been tough on both of us. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other. It would be impossible to sum up all we went through and all we learned in the past year, but one thing we know for sure is that God has a hand in all of our lives, and as we trust him he gives us the help and strength we need. Hard times are a necessary part of life, and as we pass through them, we learn so much, and we learn how to really enjoy the good times. To top things off, Ben just found out that he passed the Utah Bar Exam this morning. A year ago today, things could not have been much worse...today, things could not be much better. What a difference a year makes!

10 Months

I can’t believe I have almost hit my 10 month mark. It is crazy how fast the time has gone by. Things are getting a little bit better.  I have to take things one day at a time because each day is different of how I feel. I never put in my first post that they left a hole in the back of my head. The Dr. told Ben and my mom that they had to leave a piece of my skull out the size of a quarter. They said the reason why they didn’t put it back in was because in the back of your skull the skull will not fuse back together so the bone would just float there and never grow together. So now I am left with this hole that I was told was the size of a quarter but my mom can stick her whole fist in it. So I would say it is not the size of a quarter. I wonder if I didn’t have the hole in the back of my head if I wouldn’t have so much pain. So if you see me with my hand held up to the back of my head it is because it feels better to put pressure on the hole.  They told me they wanted to wait longer to see what happens before they put a plate over the hole. I am ok with it because I really don’t want another foreign thing in my body. I also have a pretty stiff neck from were they cut down my neck and the hole in my head make it really uncomfortable to move my head.

This is what the shape of my head looks like now. It shows how much bone is really missing. Thank goodness for hair to hide it.

I had a MRI a few months ago and they told me that my brain stem is bent. They told me that this is also another waiting game to see if it will fix itself.  So it has all been a waiting game. That has seemed to be the most frustrating part. I hate not having answers. Things have got much easier. I have been taking care of my kids since January.

Even though I can say this has been one of the hardest thing I have ever went through, I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am.  This whole thing could have ended up so much worse. I don’t have cancer. I have heard so many different stories of brain tumors and most are cancer. I feel so lucky and blessed. I just have to get through the pain and I feel so blessed I don’t have to go through chemo on top of it.

My hair has grown back a lot. I wish it would grow faster because I am now in an awkward stage. I can’t really pull it up because I have all the hairs hanging out. I was very lucky though and my hair is thick enough that as long as the wind isn’t blowing you can’t even tell my head was shaved underneath.

Graduation

Ben finally made it to graduation day. We knew that Law School would be a long, hard road for the both of us. Hard for him with all the time and studying. Hard for the kids and I for never seeing him. He has been soooo amazing through this whole thing. We had no idea how hard it really was going to be. Starting with the end of his first year and into the second with me being so sick and pregnant with Cael. Then into his 3^rd year with the brain tumor. He has not had it easy. But on top of it all he pulled out with amazing grades. His amazing determination and by the grace of God he was able to finish. Just one step left, the Bar the end of July.

We were able to fly back to Syracuse NY for his graduation. I was a little nervous of how I would handle the trip but it wasn’t bad at all. Ben's parents also came back with us. We had a ton of fun seeing our friends again. It almost felt like I never left. It is crazy to think how we will all now go our separate ways. Hope we will always stay in touch. After graduation we went down to NYC with Ben's parents. Had a ton of fun and at last made it to a Broadway show. Every time we went to NYC before we always had kids with us so it was hard to go. I finally was able to see Wicked. It was awesome, I would recommend it.

Cassidy Pre School Graduation

Cassidy actually ended up attending 2 different pre schools. I signed her up for one in Springville and she went to that one for 2 weeks before we found out about the brain tumor. Then when I spent time with my parents in Enterprise my mom was able to get her into the Pre School at her elementary. Then when we went back in January she continued to go back at the Springville Pre School. Since we were gone to NY when Cassidy’s pre school ended in Springville, the Pre School in Enterprise invited her to come graduate with them.

Grandma Singleton

My Grandma Singleton died March 15^th. She had been fighting cancer the last 2 yrs. She was my role model.  I never heard her complain one time and she was sick often.  It seemed like we would take turns of who would be in the hospital. When they first found her cancer was when I was pregnant with Cael. It seemed like we were always in the hospital at the same time. I would go in for being so dehydrated or passing kidney stones and she would have to go in for another surgery or from being so sick from the chemo.  She decided to quit chemo a few months before they found my brain tumor. The chemo was making her so sick we all wondered if the chemo would kill her before the cancer. She was able to regain a lot of strength after she quit. In fact when I came to stay with my mom for those few months my grandma was right there helping me. I knew how tired she was and that she didn’t feel good but she would never tell me or let me know. All she wanted to do was help me. She would come help take care of the kids while my mom went to work. We would have not survived without her help.  I feel so lucky to have been able to spend that extra time with her. She was one amazing lady.